The Chronicles of Bobbin Billy Hypothetical Whatif, Jr:
This morning I was delighted to engage in a conversation with a friend, who with a wry smile mixed with tears conveyed the following thoughts before he walked away:
Went to war
Returned home after three deployments not quite the same anymore,
Totally prepared and trained to excel in combat
Kissing the ground as I come home, parties are over, caught up on intimacy, and have everything America gives me, while I for some reason want to go back to war, untrained to understand that,
Living in a country often described as a Democracy
Yet, the alienation I feel doesn’t feel good to me
Yearning to go to college and continue to excel
But the brain fog from 21 daily medications from the VA is living hell
Want to keep on fast tracking and jump ahead
While the something lost feeling makes it so hard to get out of bed,
Truth be known I didn’t like everyone by my side in combat
However when combat was at its worst and the bullets flew, we all become one, with one purpose for the tribe to succeed; there was certainty in that,
Do I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
OR Post traumatic Alienation Disorder
Crazy to admit I want to go back to Combat
Is it because I am a killer and like war? NO, I love peace, don’t get anything good from that;
I miss the camaraderie and tribal unity I got from William, Nathan, so many more, and Bill
Instant love for someone I didn’t know as we crawled through the mud, sweated drops of laughter in 140 degree heat, and ascended the hill;
Living in a country where one can fulfill all their dreams
But find myself wanting to back to combat witnessing bloodshed and 12 hours of screams;
What if, thank you for your service from a wonderful stranger
Included I don’t know you, but I love you, here is my number, PLEASE Call Me no matter what emotions you feel whether it be sadness, loss of identity, survivor guilt, or anger?
What if one didn’t have to go war or experience a traumatic event
To know we all may live in different locations, houses, near and far, with the assurance of permanent residency in the tribal love tent?
What if someone could state, I am ok, and you’re ok
I might not like something you do,
BUT my love for your humanity will always be forever true?
What if someone could say, brother, I am a Philanthropist (the love of humanity?)
While I am not concerned about monetary exchange
Finding even just one thing about you to love is my focus which won’t ever change;
What if individuals, communities, Companies, and Organizations
Came together, united, welcoming anyone in to the love tribe before the individual experienced traumatic situations?
What if the support system was already known?
Long before trauma and didn’t have to be hopefully found
Before they are lying lifeless on the ground?
I ran up the stairs of that smoke filled tower
With a title of fireman while all I felt was compassion and loves power;
What if everyone I know, and don’t know yet ran up the stairs to my heart?
Dedicated to pull me in to a love tribe making sure I don’t drift into feeling forever apart:
I wear a badge and carry a gun
Often receiving the stereotype of it must be so much power and fun
While watching the death of my 23year partner leaves me powerless and my soul undone;
I am the proud Mother of a child with special needs
Understanding the societal definition and sound bite with my skin crawling as I just see MY Child which I love with all my heart, words, and deeds:
Never feeling completed rested
Experiencing the worry, hyper vigilance, and normal emotions of a caregiver, felling judged with my personal integrity so often callously molested
What if no concern was given to the fix or even the cause
And I was invited in to the tribe given only loving applause?;
What if I could walk through those tribal gates
Where nothing but love awaits?;
What if the definition of success
Was solely connection with the rest of us ?
The realization you are not alone
So welcome, welcome, to the tribal love humanity home
What if they could call the 843-231-1407 love line?
Where the standard answer on the other end is welcome to our tribe, we will journey with you
Bobbin Billy Hypothetical Whatif, Jr: Signing out